I'm Not Afraid

As time consumes my every thought,
I aspire to live within the solace of nature.
Allowing silence to grip at my pounding heart,
as I lie in the grass, slowly absorbing that
We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.
God is the friend of silence. See how nature
-trees, flowers, grass- grows
in silence;
see the stars, the moon and the sun,
how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.
Therefore, I stand—
broken from the crumbling walls of civilization.
the confinements of a world- that expects
what I refuse to give. While
Our failures, our disillusions, our bitterness that seems
to signal the collapse of everything, are enlightened by hope.
The act of love of the cross, confirmed by the Father and the radiant light of the resurrection,
envelops and transforms everything.
From betrayal, friendship can be born; from rejection, pardon; from hate, love.
I know that the Will of God will never take you where
the Grace of God cannot protect you
So I have learned, that you must
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and
to not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

With each yawn in the morning,
looming due date over my head,
I look to the sky,
whispering
I’m not Afraid.

Stand

Permeating each cool, sharp, breath.
Trembling vibrato breaks the bones
that built a figure standing.
Now collapsing down, down, down,
breathing out each harmony…
To their knees this figure falls.
A subject, object, mere figure within living creation—
alone, unimportant, but loved.
this figure weeps.
Deep inside, the pitch (black) begins to fade,
with radiance beaming through;
Looking up this figure praises,
realizing their virtue.

Permeated by each cool, sharp, breath;
your trembling vibrato cuts into my soul—
My broken bones heal to standing, as
the smoky room swallows all regret.
spitting lies has never eased,
the tension forcing me down.
With bright eyes staring upward,
I learn what it means to rise.

Based on an Image by Jean Luc Mylayne "august-september"

Sweat blurs the vision of my eye,
digging grooves through
my sun-tired face.
A frown parallels sweat on my lip,
not far away,
a hose has that drip, drip, drip...
Emerald leaves mock shade,
billowing over chutes of bark, browned with age,
worn from anticipation, and moist
from the sky's desolation.

Villanelle Poem

The clouds close in on a world of despair,
Creased with age, the leaves begin to fall,
Warmth clings, holding onto my every breath of air.

Lights flash with each passing driver, the light show, a mocked-up fair.
each raindop matches, that tiny bouncy ball,
As the clouds close in on a world of dispair.

Each time I've looked, at the hurricane sky, I've wondered who'd dare
to fight, as it began to call
with warm breath clinging to the air.

The thunder began to flash and scream, a swear
Coming from up above, as I begin to feel so small
The clouds close in on a world of despair.

Each raindrop clings to my skin, I wear
it as a shawl.
Each warm breath clings to the air.

The world so often has seemed like a square,
Leaving the option of walking off the earth to fall.
As the clouds can close in on a world of despair,
And warmth will cling to my every breath of air.

Nothing Left

The cloud swallows you,
spits you into despair,
and tear-mixed rain drowns out
the cries of anyone near.
Stress sings, ringing in your ears;
As doubt controls every thump of your heart.

A girl sits.
Slowly tapping her foot.
As deer scared eyes
reveal her every thought.
Tired she says,
is the panic stricken stare,
however.
The stress of her life
has removed the sun-kissed face
And more importantly
All of her faith.

i have forgotten how to cry.
how to succumb to hurt,
and breathe in pain.

i have forgotten how to wish.
how to feel it my bones,
and want it more than anything else.

i have forgotten how to believe.
how to trust with all my heart,
and love with no regret.

i have forgotten how to be.
how to be at peace,
and accept all of life's punches.

i have forgotten,
why.

Autistic

You are not a definition.
You are not your disease.
You cannot be defined by one syndrome,
But that may be how it seems.
I sat there when I heard this,
Researched with
Wikipedia my sole source.
As I read and discovered, I thought,
This is him. YOU.
I did not think,
That explains a few behaviors.
I classified you, as that.
You may be autistic,
But I love you dearly.
And just because some odd behavior has a name,
Doesn’t mean I define you by it.

Desperation

i cry,
because that's what you do, right?
when you're hopeless...
because nothing is going your way.

i stay quiet,
because voicing your anguish is hard,
when you don't want to bother anyone...
because who really cares, how do you know?

i stay on the outside,
because engaging in conversation hurts,
when you know that people will ask if you're okay,
because they want to show genuine concern.

i close up and keep my head down,
i have my smiling face sad and gone.
i just wait, hoping it'll go away.
i hate that feeling, when nothing is right.

The Highway

I continue down the busy street,
hands clenched, on ten and two,
foot slightly alternating between the gas and brakes.
green...
yellow...
red....
flash up ahead of me.
turning the wheel, i knock the signal indicator,
my feet pressing down,
as i slow, then stop.
left turn only...
and i turn.
Acutely aware of my surroundings,
headlights illuminating my face, my mother's.
and reflected in the mirrors.
an eye catching light show,
especially if i squint.
but i couldn't...
under the bridge, ramp on right,
right signal indicator...
and the engine revs.
eyes open, merge, speed, trucks flying by.
the highway for my first time.
i could go anywhere!
but i get off the next exit...
a sigh of relief, a wide smile.
I feel Infinite.

"Work With A Smile"

Work with a smile,
says my father, as i weed through the entangled garden-made-forest...
work with a positive attitude so you'll be rewarded.

as i groan and complain,
sweat developing on my brow,
i carelessly ignore him,
treking through the wild, the unknown.

but standing on stage,
with lights brightly lit,
in the back of the line,
youll see these pearly whites shine.

and if you ask me?
why i will smile,
well, im setting an example,
i'm working hard,
and i always show my respect,
by showing those pearly whites...
even when id rather cry.

Blue Plastic Cup

the cool plastic feels smooth im my hand,
as the words are skimmed over once more.
the daily affirmation i always needed,
lied under the thin dust collected,
on the blue plastic cup.

the cup had little value to my family,
little value to a school, college application, and even to most people.
but the little cup told me what i always needed to hear...
someone is thankful for me.

that little plastic cup didnt say,
"hey you're well liked... or you're so great!"
but that little plastic cup said,
we love you. we see you. we appreciate all those little things...
smiling on stage, using your best effort... its seen. and its there.

when that little plastic cup... cool to the touch,
slowly dropped to the side of my bed,
i hadnt realized that my award could be considered trash.
my first real concrete recognition,
was a blue plastic party cup.

and the fact that no one cared about my poor cup in the trash,
made me realize how maybe,
what i've been pursuing,
isnt truly being supported...

writing isn't for publishing,
it isnt to change the world.
its to change perspective,
and maybe, its to be heard.

its to say what ive been thinking,
open up what i never knew,
acknowlegde the unexplored,
its the closure i always need,
when hitting "publish post"
the end.

i cant understand,
what goes through your mind...
when you accept a role,
but disrespect to no end.

i dont believe,
that you would have such an attitude,
when all that is needed,
is a little complying.

i never understood,
how someone could ruin a show.
not follow the rules,
and be sour the whole time.

please, will you explain,
all that you think.
explain what has happened.
which made you accept a role in a show you now hate.

"I had seen something, but everyone in my life acted like that never happened."

When you listen to me,
Do you hear what I say?
Do you remember,
or is it shut down, blocked away.
I am just crazy,
Am I insane?
Or am I the worst,
At hiding the shame.

Is it that easy, for you to forget?
Do you feel better unconfronted,
or are you torn, like I thought.
Would it be easier, if this all went away?
Because with these problems all attacking me,
I cant seem to get away...

Happiness isn't for all,
And love is not always rewarded.
As I gain new things I adore,
Somtimes,
I lose the old things no longer needed.
Religion doesn't grasp everybody,
Some people feel betrayed.
Some don't understand it,
And some find it unrealistic and plain.

I have met some incredible people,
and even if the atheists were correct,
Sometimes it's more than just Him above,
But the people He has helped me meet.

I have been alive for 6,042 days.
In this I have grown,
learned,
walked and talked.

I have made friends,
Gained passions,
and met some of the best people in the world.

I have been alive for 144,996 hours.
In this I have watched TV,
Had classes, and slept in my bed.
I have had sleepovers, and been lazy,
and Driven for 19 so far!

I have been alive for 8,699,818 Minutes.
And let me tell you,
It has gone by slow.
When I've watched each tick of that longer clock's hand,
I could see it, pulse, as if it's the heartbeat of our world.

I have been alive for 521,989,196 Seconds.
And I promise, it's even more now.
I can hear the tick tock of some nearby clock,
and for as many seconds as there may be,
I haven't appreciated them enough.
When something goes by so fast,
you forget to be thankful for it.

I have been alive for
197 Months,
863 Weeks,
6,042 Days,
144,996 Hours,
8,699,762 Minutes,
521,985,801 Seconds, and
521,985,826,246 Milliseconds.

It's crazy, and it has gone by too fast.
But here I am,
And I'll try to make each minute last.

I think I can
I think I can
I think I can
That’s all that’s running through my mind
I hope I will survive this mess called life,
Because right now, I love it dearly,
Life is beautiful, life has pain… but by appreciating it all. You’re always alive.
You know because you live through the darkest moments,
And you thrive during the bliss of a day, an hour, or a year.
And you thrive during the bliss of a day, an hour, or a year.

You know because you live through the darkest moments.
Life is beautiful, life has pain… but by appreciating it all. You’re always alive.
Because right now I love it dearly,
I hope I will survive this mess called life.
That’s all that’s running through my mind
I think I can
I think I can
I think I can

I was
scared when I was younger.
Of things I couldnt even realize.
Whether it be the funny looking stranger,
or the terrors of the middle of the night.
When I was younger, I worried about being forgotten,
That I'd have no friends, or that I was the girl no one liked in the end.
I was nervous, and excited, loquatious and caring.

But then again... you could say that I still am.

Writers Block

That awful frustration
where you know deep down,
that you have something to say,
to shoo away that frown.
To have it all down on paper,
ridding yourself of that anger,
is getting rid of a water's dam,
letting it flow and eb,
explore and learn.
If you ever need to know
what you should do when you have writers block.
talk... think... explore.
Because the water has seen everything,
its knowledgeable beyond words.
and I never would've realized this,
if my mind didnt take that pause.

"Are some people better than others?"

It was at school, in the dimly lit cafeteria long after the final school bells had rung for that day. In a circle sat about 10 friends, all giggly girls, conversing at a speed that only they can manage. They sat there, not wanting to end such a great day by dealing with parents, siblings, chores and other responsibilities. Nope, they sat there, conversing, laughing, and enjoying the new freedoms teenage years bring.

Questions spat out with little time to respond, and they were mostly frivolous. One girl, a strong very curious blonde named Diana started the hypothetical questions; the “what ifs” and the “how abouts”. The only one any of us can remember was when she asked Meghan, the small, sometimes quiet girl with a heart that embraced all. She turned to Meg, a new but still close friend, and asked, "If you were in a room, with 6 people you strongly disliked, the people that hurt you so bad, and the SECOND someone was killed, you could all get out, who would you kill?"

And Meghan just sat there for a second, and looked at that girl, knowing she expected to say a disliked teacher, annoying sibling, or an ex best friend. But Meghan watched her slowly as she said, "I would kill myself. Because I would never be able to live with the responsibility of taking away someone else's life. I am not God; I won't be a bystander that watches someone die." And in that second, this group of thirteen year old girls fell silent. That was when we realized how easily life gets out of hand.

"Every event turns into a Joseph reunion..."

It was a Saturday night, at the Rooney's house on the water in Stratford. The air was warmed, the breeze gentle, and the old blue Victorian house stood tall, proud and welcoming, much like the family inside. The brown fence in appearance was strong, but as teenagers hopped the fence, it proved otherwise. It held many teenagers, adults and children in the confinements of the green grass, tall trees and the volleyball net. This was Quinn's graduation party, holding close friends and family to laugh, play, eat and talk.

Brigitta and I walked into the yard as we located close friends, better known as our "Joseph" friends, within the loquacious crowd. Once they were spotted by the stereo, we made a beeline towards them, avoiding small children and miscellaneous bags along the way. As more friends came, strangers left, and the crowd started to trickle towards cars, soon there were only eight of us, all laughing and talking like always.

There are not many people I feel 100% comfortable with. There are some people I'm scared to offend, some I'm scared will judge me, and others I'm scared will understand me more than I do myself. But sitting outside with these boys, these girls. I understand what comfort is. I can go up to any of the guys, any of the girls, and understand that yeah, there is judgment. But there is also so much understanding, caring and just the upspoken thing. The Joseph kids always have your back, the will help you when they can, and they are ALL compassionate caring people, who sometimes make a mistake or two like the rest of us. When you have friends who all care about eachother, and understand that... you have a peace like no other.

At 12:30am we left Quinn's house with laughter, hugs, and promises to see eachother before the new year of school. As many friends leave me for college, I know, as do they, life doesn't get better than this. Hold onto what you need, can, and love, while embracing the future and the new passions you'll attain.

here i sit,
smiling so proud.
waving my arms,
and trying my best not to frown.
there i see you, walking before hundreds...
head up, eyes bright,
ready for that new chapter in your life.

i wanted to thank you.
for all that youve done.
youve made me smile when i should cry,
and believe when i thought i was done.

i wanted to say,
that you will succeed.
you are incredible,
having already helped me.

i know that im not,
suicidal in the least,
but youve made me realize....
that i value my life with each breathe.

ive always been scared,
of a thousand scary things...
but when you are talking to me,
i see those frivolties.

i wanted to thank you,
more than you know,
because from the second i met you,
you were my friend.

As I turn my head in your direction,
I don't see you.
As my ears perk up,
and my brows furrow,
I'm just immersed in thought.
As I respond quickly,
acting diligently,
I'm just trying to make it through the day,
with this
facade in play.

the lights dim,
and the crowds hush.
the lights are absent
as blind walkers travel,
through the maze of costumes and props.
we hug, and support, laugh and cry,
helping those more scared then us.
as the music commenses,
and the lights rise,
we hold our breathes,
smile wide,
and step into our characters,
in the world of theatre

substance.... heart and soul.
why must it be conveyed through pain?
why can't you smile, and you see true beauty?
why is it that pain measures true love?

i cant stand this depression in my soul.
as i breathe each breath,
i want to live this life,
i just cant stand...
the pain.

i wish life were how it used to be!
when i was happy, smiling!
...when i saw a reason to grin.

life has its slums, that much i know.
when will this change,
when will i grin for real?

i want to cry a thousand tears,
as i sit here anxious, tired and scared.
its like the world has me surrounded,
hands up, i feel defeated.

i want to scream, to yell and plea,
make people understand that this is me.
but no one seems to notice,
the loss of a true smile on my face,
as my teeth grin, without substance beneath.

i say i dont like life...
people say thats normal.
im stressed and im tired,
that much i know.

but i USED to be happy,
that is what kills me.
to never experience happiness is sad,
but to experience happiness so often,
and to lose it all.

that is what im calling depressing.

i know

as each word leaves my mouth,
through each beat of my heart,
that i am

scared

of losing everything.
myself, my spirit, friends.
because i must seem

happy

to everyone...
that smile on my face
its just that

now

i can't deny
that smiles seem more forced...
because i'm just so scared of

being

judged.

friends?

i sometimes wonder,
why are we still friends?
i am supportive, and helpful,
always have had your best interest at hand.

here i am though, through turmoil,
confusion, sometimes despair.
i really needed that help,
and guess what? you left me there...

why wont you help me?
when i outrightly ask?
you say we're such good friends,
yet you stab me in the back.

i adore you, i do,
but why should i stay?
while you hurt me,
stop me, from fulfilling a life ive dreamed.

tears stream down...
as any control leaves.
pain radiates as defeat is met.
few friends are found in the crowds of enemies, masked.
hugs no longer mean love, but pity.
why must their happiness be met, through my tears?
no longer do i want to be here...
misunderstood are we, the crowd.
as deciept is whispered town to town.

as deciept is whispered... town to town...
misunderstood are we. the crowd.
no longer do i want to be here.
why must their happiness, be met through my tears?
hugs no longer mean love, but pity...
few friends are found. in the crowds of enemies masked...
pain radiates as defeat is met.
as any control leaves,
tears stream down.

the beat that goes

boom...
boom...
boom...

keeps my head a rockin'.
and it keeps me a swayin'.

because that boom.. boom.. boom.. is what i know to be life.

as the beat is kept. as the sound is heard. as i feel each vibration of the drum.

i can feel the beat of my soul... a thumpin'.
and i can feel life, all around.

for the boom...
boom...
boom...

keeps track of life.
for the boom..
boom..
boom..

keeps in time with the heart.

do you see this veil drawn to my eyes?
showing a smile

delighted...

that mask a disguise.

no longer do i twinkle in the eye.

disjointed are the two...

my smile will show what i will allow.

but my eyes lead deep into my soul

never has love been his one goal.
for he was a practical man.
he lived a hopeless life. from the view of lovers,
loving or being loved in return. for love is man's one oxygen,
that pumps from ear to toe. the feelings are never too subtle,
but showing in grin and soul. he had never loved before. not the deep penetrating love,
that many are always on search for, though less are blessed to find.

but this man lead a life of satisification. i only fear,
that ill live my life... without such lover's pain.

did you know,
what i feel when i look around me.
did you know,
that you dont TRULY KNOW ME.
did you know,
that this facade seems so happy.
but that mask makes me weary.
because right now,

i dont know what to say.
i sit here waiting, waiting for some answer.
but as i sit here waiting,
i know that my wait is neverending.
as i hope, and wish and DREAM and shout.
i truly wish. for someone to understand.

have you ever.
truly said.
that you've known me OH so well.
because that mask im always wearing.
its now torn.

1...2...3...50...
i count and i count... naming a hundred friends.
but as i sit there. really. who will be there till the very end?
who is my friend, cause its convenient or nice?
what attributes do i bring...
what's the point of this?

why should you want to be my friend?
as frowns frequent my face... more than some glowing grin.
as irresponsible and unreliable as i can be.
why take a chance, take a chance on me?

as i rant and i rant,
stress radiating from my soul.
pathetic and hopeless...
all i seem to be anymore.

am i a good person?
have i always been? or not?
whats so great about me?
cause right now im not seeing
any characteristic ID want.

as my heart feels heavy...
my sanity running thin.
i thank the lord so much,
for the support i get from you.

where am i?
where have i gone?
i used to believe in myself,
known when i was wrong.
i used to know what i wanted,
knew what was right.
but i sit here...

how much longer can i deal with this fight?

currently. im enjoying.
the clickity clack of the laptop's keys.
music, in reality... unlocking details of my subconcious dreams.
as i sit here... pouring out my soul. its easing...
the writing as it comes to me.
i may not feel my best.
i may have lost hope in many ways.
but the familiar format of blogger...
reminds me of why writing,
has filled up a thousand dreams.

i sit here. eyes filling up.
wishing that i could explain.
these fears inside of me.
the stress, pain, difficulty... i have with my life today.
i dont understand, how i could ever feel such pain.
ive lost something, that was always near my heart.
hope, love, courage...

i sit here exhuasted...
as i lose who ive always been.
that girl... who was always smiling in the end.

why smile?
i ask this almost every day. as my head beats hard,
a temple pulsing in my brain. as my eyes still tear
with each hardship that i face. the stress, pain, exhaustion
that keeps me up so late at night. as i rant, scream, CRY!
in anguish or in fear. as i sniffle each sniffle, and hold back each tear.
as i live a life, in rants, through fears.
as i give up on some hopes, hope for some plans.
all i want to know is,
why should i smile?