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sometimes I wonder, why did it end?
you and me, such good friends.
yes we didn't meet with each other at every chance,
but we could talk, we were friends...

then two years ago,
I think you changed. you became peppy,
a liar, and so many worse things.
I feel like I am delusional, how ill see it in you every day...
but people agree with me, just never to your face.

you told some people,
that you were sure that I hate you.
that’s not true, never will be.
but you should no,
that...

I hate how you lie,
you drink and deceive...
how you find your life so tough,
yet you used to be so sweet.

you used to be kind,
caring about your family and friends,
but you lie, you don’t care,
and only your OLD friends know that.

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eyes clenched shut

tears flow down my cheeks

rivers, streams, in their own respects.

i open my eyes,

finding such glee,

them laughing,

me laughing,

just that bliss.

but looking,

in retrospect,

he.

was.

not.

joining in.

and I'm sorry for this.

it's obvious,

that there is a lot of pain.

that the silence,

the echo in the room.

the shifting of the eyes

and his hand clenched on the mouse.

clicking...

his one control.

him,

and not me

not friends, not enemies.

But they.

are friends.

if jeopardized

im sorry. i am.

i dont know...

I want to laugh...

I want to scream!

That feeling inside me...

Like I'm bursting at the seams!

Imploding, and choking...

hoping and wishing...

stopping.

and sitting.

and breathing.

and then...

realization.

the feelings, the stress.

i am alive.

but im proud of this.

you

did you know?

that sometimes i'll think about you,

the way you talk,

that sense of humor,

but also,

how you care about so much.

except...

im not the person that'll wait on your calls...

i get pissed if you forget,

but i'll forget too.

i sometimes just think that we can be the best of friends,

it'll be great, i'll be happy...

but then i remember this.

i remember that feeling in my stomach,

where i know i never want to be anywhere else...

that knowledge that for once...

my head is a gooey mess.

i remember the fact...

that i love you as such a good friend,

but when i see you... every once and a while...

i wish that you knew what i meant.

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its weird...

when i mention this. i freeze.

i want to say don't laugh. i'll cry.

don't mention it, don't worry.

but i know. i want to hear this...

i want to know what people think,

i want verification, some safety net...

but that can't just happen.

i want to hear, "this imagery is perfect!"

or "that flows just right...."

but critique is life.

if i learn. i grow.

so i just have to keep telling people,

that this is me.

that feeling...

that feeling...

when everything explodes.

when your eyes well up,

and your throat closes.

that feeling....

where you want to whisper their name.

when you need a friend,

and a hug more than anything.

that feeling....

when you know they've won.

when you can feel your life slipping,

and it slides right out of your hands

that feeling...

when you know it went wrong.

when you feel like losing hope,

and you know it's all done.

that feeling.

falling

i wanted to fall,

to finally let myself feel that bliss.

but once i fell,

i realized, you see me as just this.

you see me as a listener.

i great friend, a good person.

but what if i told you,

that i fell... hard.

that i fell for the first time,

that i let myself do this.

what would you say?

if you knew that you were my first REAL crush.

what would you say?

if you knew that i never let myself fall

what would you say?

if i said i wished for anything but this.

i've wished

its times like these...

where i wish i were understood.

that sometimes, i could be left behind,

and others,

when i was just too good.

i wish there were chances,

that i could take!

but i am, who i am,

and if i took those chances,

itd be a mistake.

ive hoped time and time again,

that my heart would be searched for,

just loved so much!

that i could be cherished,

that my heart means more.

miss

i miss those days.

the ones with lightning bugs and old glass jars

when i played snake on my mom's nokia cell phone

and little kids still would wear overalls.

i miss those times when disney was classic

the times when TV shows didn't let kissing be a normal occurrence

and the movies were honest

animations a new creation.

i miss those nights

when stars were gazed upon

when the music genre loved was pop!

and i didn't feel safe without a night light to sleep.

i miss the times

where life could stay simple

where technology didn't seem insane

where i always loved my family

and drama wasn't so insane/

i miss the heart

in people

the smiles people used to wear

i miss hope and chance

i miss the imagination i once had.

i miss a lot....

but the generations now miss more.

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Her soft strawberry blonde hair rested on her delicate shoulders in the park where she waited. Leila, my Leila, was smart girl, strong willed, and her happiness means everything to me; I only wish that she knew that I loved her. My name is Carter, and as I see her eyes light up to see me, I smile with a bouquet of flowers behind my back. I walk up saying, "Hey Leila, you know..." She responds with "Yea? Carter..." it quickly escaped her mouth, as if she wanted to say something, and needed me to finish. "I love you, always have, always will..." I say as I slowly bring out her favorite flowers... lilacs. Leila disregards the flowers, and hands me a note and mumbles goodbye. No louder than a whisper. I look closer at her then, I see the tears. I see the newly opened bottle of sleeping pills... empty. Her eyes go blank, body falls limp. I look at the letter. It says,

"I love you Carter, always have, always will."

Love

Love is the idea that you can't live without them.
That they are the dam to your river...
The life when you're no longer living.
The hopefuls when you're hopeless.
Your loves sew you up,
Or rip you down
In the end.

Music

Music can course through your veins in a way that nothing else can. Music provokes emotions, and there is a constant about music, anyone that can hear, enjoys some form. You can sing at the top of your lungs, or you can listen to something as you drift to sleep. Music never stops playing, there is always someone listening or playing some beat, so maybe that is why it’s so beloved. I love the fact that music can just engross me, when I am in my room, just lying around, and I hear a lyric start to play, and I listen. I really and truly listen. The lyrics that play may be so energetic that you can’t help but to get up and dance. They may be so melancholy, that you just want to cry. Whether it is for a mistake made, or hearing how much love there can be in a person. You don’t hear of that love much anymore, which is part of the reason that country music appeals to me so much. It gives me, almost a security blanket… I know what they’re singing about, and it’s nice to be able to pick out every lyric sung. The best feeling in the world, next to being near the people you love, and laughing so hard you cry, is to sing with a huge group of people. People with different backgrounds, different histories, different ranges of being off-key, can join together, and sing… sing like there is no end of the world, but if there is, it’s okay to leave now.

music

I'd forgotten about

closing my eyes,

music blaring loud,

and the ability to listen...

to hear the beating of the drums,

the strums of the guitar,

and to hear those lyrics

and take them to heart.

I'd forgotten about the real reason music existed

I Was a Person (final)

There was no way for you to help.
I always needed you.
I sent all the signs.
Almost begging on my knees.
I was pleading, and changing
In a way you couldn't dream!
I was hoping that one last shout, would change how you see.
I was wrong, that much is evident.
I hoped you could believe in me,
I knew I was not worth your time.
You just were not here…
You ran so many charities,
You helped so many other people!
But the one you forgot was me.
I was past the point of redemption.
Maybe you knew that;
Maybe you immersed yourself in all that good, to make up for all my bad.
I love you.
You loved me…
I was a person.
Before you forgot…

Before you forgot!
I was a person.
You loved me.
I love you…
Maybe you immersed yourself in all that good, to make up for all my bad.
Maybe you knew that
I was past the point of redemption.
But the one you forgot was me…
You helped so many other people;
You ran so many charities…
You just were not here!
I knew I was not worth your time;
I hoped you could believe in me.
I was wrong, that much is evident.
I was hoping that one last shout would change how you see
In a way you couldn't dream…
I was pleading and changing,
Almost begging on my knees,
I sent all the signs!
I always needed you…
There was no way for you to help.

I've hoped more times than you've counted

I've hoped more times than you've counted

wished more than you could hear

I've had these great ideas

unable to force them out of my heart.

I've wanted to say what I could,

but with you looking at me,

I couldn't say it.

Maybe the choked up feeling in my throat,

the never mind mumbled and face going bright

Maybe the realization that I'm not in your eyes

Had me shove down those words

I'm longing to say.

Coming Back

There is something different

Coming back that next year.

You expect all the fun,

Yet you wish that it’d never change.

There always new people,

New experiences and adventures.

But each year, there are less and less.

I can picture the tables I’d walk up to in the morning

The soft green grass, and the big twisting tree.

Each year I have come back to new people,

I have just hoped, that I’ll never lose this place in my heart.

Writers Block

Right now, I would like to write. I need to know that I can express something well, yet my fingers have typed and typed, and i have come up with nothing worth saving. I know that I have grown up, as a person. But especially in my writing. I don't know what taught me maturity so fast. Was it my friends, maybe family, or was it the fact that i am becoming a sophomore in high school, and freshman year, while fun, teaches you a lot of life lessons really quickly. I am not sure, but at the moment, I want to write. and i want to write well. all i can think of is writing this though. so maybe i will fall asleep now, and in the morning, i'll be able to write for the sake of writing.

I Was a Person

There was no way for you to help
Although I always needed you
You were not here
You ran so many charities,
You helped so many other people
But the one you forgot was me.
I was passed the point of redemption
Maybe you knew that
Maybe you immersed yourself in all that good, to make up for all my bad.
I was a person
Before you forgot

Before you forgot
I was a person
Maybe you immersed yourself in all that good, to make up for all my bad.
Maybe you knew that
I was passed the point of redemption
But the one you forgot was me.
You helped so many other people
You ran so many charities,
You were not here
Although I always needed you
There was no way for you to help.

Being the Cliff

A cool night is being replaced, the sun making its way up the sky, removing those night chills, leaving a warmth blanketing the new day. I feel the water, smooth glass lapping and running though me, long ago I lost the fight against the water. This water dug a grove though me, boats now frequenting a spot that used to be mine; but I cannot fight them and I will not win, I have no control, I just am.

I know that I am beautiful, that my jagged edges were long ago admired. That with the water, I was the rough edge of a smooth surface. Most of all I realized that everyone has placed me with the water, yes we are here, but the water has never been constant. Like many people's experiences here, water is as fleeting as a summer romance.

The sun is now high in the sky, I can feel how dry my rocks are, despite the green rooted in me. The water is particularly cool, the mist spitting against the jagged rocks, leaving a salty smell that I find so endearing.

I remember

I remember
crispy leaves falling apart beneath my feet
smoke in the distance leaving a warm homey feel
the air rushing to me, cold enough that
any drowse i felt disappeared.

I remember
the muted sound of footprints approaching
and the sound of laughter filling the house

I remember
walking inside hearing my name shouted loud
and being greeted with bright eyes, rosy
cheeks and smiles that let you know your loved.

I remember
the soft cotton called snow gently blanketing
the world

I remember the place I love to call home.

You can't choreograph life

"You can't choreograph life.
the kids that made history
look just like you.
curiosity is what you ought to have.
Some pictures are worth a thousand words
others are worth so much more
they inspire you, move you
The proudest moment in America ever had
was to elect a black man
for his policies."

Memories

Memories

To look back, to hold onto

something that you've already left.

Memories are what hold bonds

sometimes stronger than anything else alive.

They allow empathy, but they can

also be so negative. These are

what trigger someone to live

as though they are experiencing

a traumatic moment that never

will seem to end. The problem is

that time never stands still.

If you hide out, chances are

that the world will move on

without you.

Memories

they hold together our world,

they keep people alive

without the memories

our world would never

have grown.

There

There to keep you from too much pain

Forever someone who will remain a friend

Never going to let you ruin your life

Going to keep life a lovely surprise

To understand and be there when you need me

Let you learn from mistakes, but not let you go too far

You are wonderful, never forget that

Go make your life meaningful… I can’t help with everything