"Are some people better than others?"

It was at school, in the dimly lit cafeteria long after the final school bells had rung for that day. In a circle sat about 10 friends, all giggly girls, conversing at a speed that only they can manage. They sat there, not wanting to end such a great day by dealing with parents, siblings, chores and other responsibilities. Nope, they sat there, conversing, laughing, and enjoying the new freedoms teenage years bring.

Questions spat out with little time to respond, and they were mostly frivolous. One girl, a strong very curious blonde named Diana started the hypothetical questions; the “what ifs” and the “how abouts”. The only one any of us can remember was when she asked Meghan, the small, sometimes quiet girl with a heart that embraced all. She turned to Meg, a new but still close friend, and asked, "If you were in a room, with 6 people you strongly disliked, the people that hurt you so bad, and the SECOND someone was killed, you could all get out, who would you kill?"

And Meghan just sat there for a second, and looked at that girl, knowing she expected to say a disliked teacher, annoying sibling, or an ex best friend. But Meghan watched her slowly as she said, "I would kill myself. Because I would never be able to live with the responsibility of taking away someone else's life. I am not God; I won't be a bystander that watches someone die." And in that second, this group of thirteen year old girls fell silent. That was when we realized how easily life gets out of hand.

"Every event turns into a Joseph reunion..."

It was a Saturday night, at the Rooney's house on the water in Stratford. The air was warmed, the breeze gentle, and the old blue Victorian house stood tall, proud and welcoming, much like the family inside. The brown fence in appearance was strong, but as teenagers hopped the fence, it proved otherwise. It held many teenagers, adults and children in the confinements of the green grass, tall trees and the volleyball net. This was Quinn's graduation party, holding close friends and family to laugh, play, eat and talk.

Brigitta and I walked into the yard as we located close friends, better known as our "Joseph" friends, within the loquacious crowd. Once they were spotted by the stereo, we made a beeline towards them, avoiding small children and miscellaneous bags along the way. As more friends came, strangers left, and the crowd started to trickle towards cars, soon there were only eight of us, all laughing and talking like always.

There are not many people I feel 100% comfortable with. There are some people I'm scared to offend, some I'm scared will judge me, and others I'm scared will understand me more than I do myself. But sitting outside with these boys, these girls. I understand what comfort is. I can go up to any of the guys, any of the girls, and understand that yeah, there is judgment. But there is also so much understanding, caring and just the upspoken thing. The Joseph kids always have your back, the will help you when they can, and they are ALL compassionate caring people, who sometimes make a mistake or two like the rest of us. When you have friends who all care about eachother, and understand that... you have a peace like no other.

At 12:30am we left Quinn's house with laughter, hugs, and promises to see eachother before the new year of school. As many friends leave me for college, I know, as do they, life doesn't get better than this. Hold onto what you need, can, and love, while embracing the future and the new passions you'll attain.

here i sit,
smiling so proud.
waving my arms,
and trying my best not to frown.
there i see you, walking before hundreds...
head up, eyes bright,
ready for that new chapter in your life.

i wanted to thank you.
for all that youve done.
youve made me smile when i should cry,
and believe when i thought i was done.

i wanted to say,
that you will succeed.
you are incredible,
having already helped me.

i know that im not,
suicidal in the least,
but youve made me realize....
that i value my life with each breathe.

ive always been scared,
of a thousand scary things...
but when you are talking to me,
i see those frivolties.

i wanted to thank you,
more than you know,
because from the second i met you,
you were my friend.

As I turn my head in your direction,
I don't see you.
As my ears perk up,
and my brows furrow,
I'm just immersed in thought.
As I respond quickly,
acting diligently,
I'm just trying to make it through the day,
with this
facade in play.

the lights dim,
and the crowds hush.
the lights are absent
as blind walkers travel,
through the maze of costumes and props.
we hug, and support, laugh and cry,
helping those more scared then us.
as the music commenses,
and the lights rise,
we hold our breathes,
smile wide,
and step into our characters,
in the world of theatre

substance.... heart and soul.
why must it be conveyed through pain?
why can't you smile, and you see true beauty?
why is it that pain measures true love?

i cant stand this depression in my soul.
as i breathe each breath,
i want to live this life,
i just cant stand...
the pain.

i wish life were how it used to be!
when i was happy, smiling!
...when i saw a reason to grin.

life has its slums, that much i know.
when will this change,
when will i grin for real?

i want to cry a thousand tears,
as i sit here anxious, tired and scared.
its like the world has me surrounded,
hands up, i feel defeated.

i want to scream, to yell and plea,
make people understand that this is me.
but no one seems to notice,
the loss of a true smile on my face,
as my teeth grin, without substance beneath.

i say i dont like life...
people say thats normal.
im stressed and im tired,
that much i know.

but i USED to be happy,
that is what kills me.
to never experience happiness is sad,
but to experience happiness so often,
and to lose it all.

that is what im calling depressing.

i know

as each word leaves my mouth,
through each beat of my heart,
that i am

scared

of losing everything.
myself, my spirit, friends.
because i must seem

happy

to everyone...
that smile on my face
its just that

now

i can't deny
that smiles seem more forced...
because i'm just so scared of

being

judged.

friends?

i sometimes wonder,
why are we still friends?
i am supportive, and helpful,
always have had your best interest at hand.

here i am though, through turmoil,
confusion, sometimes despair.
i really needed that help,
and guess what? you left me there...

why wont you help me?
when i outrightly ask?
you say we're such good friends,
yet you stab me in the back.

i adore you, i do,
but why should i stay?
while you hurt me,
stop me, from fulfilling a life ive dreamed.

tears stream down...
as any control leaves.
pain radiates as defeat is met.
few friends are found in the crowds of enemies, masked.
hugs no longer mean love, but pity.
why must their happiness be met, through my tears?
no longer do i want to be here...
misunderstood are we, the crowd.
as deciept is whispered town to town.

as deciept is whispered... town to town...
misunderstood are we. the crowd.
no longer do i want to be here.
why must their happiness, be met through my tears?
hugs no longer mean love, but pity...
few friends are found. in the crowds of enemies masked...
pain radiates as defeat is met.
as any control leaves,
tears stream down.

the beat that goes

boom...
boom...
boom...

keeps my head a rockin'.
and it keeps me a swayin'.

because that boom.. boom.. boom.. is what i know to be life.

as the beat is kept. as the sound is heard. as i feel each vibration of the drum.

i can feel the beat of my soul... a thumpin'.
and i can feel life, all around.

for the boom...
boom...
boom...

keeps track of life.
for the boom..
boom..
boom..

keeps in time with the heart.

do you see this veil drawn to my eyes?
showing a smile

delighted...

that mask a disguise.

no longer do i twinkle in the eye.

disjointed are the two...

my smile will show what i will allow.

but my eyes lead deep into my soul

never has love been his one goal.
for he was a practical man.
he lived a hopeless life. from the view of lovers,
loving or being loved in return. for love is man's one oxygen,
that pumps from ear to toe. the feelings are never too subtle,
but showing in grin and soul. he had never loved before. not the deep penetrating love,
that many are always on search for, though less are blessed to find.

but this man lead a life of satisification. i only fear,
that ill live my life... without such lover's pain.

did you know,
what i feel when i look around me.
did you know,
that you dont TRULY KNOW ME.
did you know,
that this facade seems so happy.
but that mask makes me weary.
because right now,

i dont know what to say.
i sit here waiting, waiting for some answer.
but as i sit here waiting,
i know that my wait is neverending.
as i hope, and wish and DREAM and shout.
i truly wish. for someone to understand.

have you ever.
truly said.
that you've known me OH so well.
because that mask im always wearing.
its now torn.

1...2...3...50...
i count and i count... naming a hundred friends.
but as i sit there. really. who will be there till the very end?
who is my friend, cause its convenient or nice?
what attributes do i bring...
what's the point of this?

why should you want to be my friend?
as frowns frequent my face... more than some glowing grin.
as irresponsible and unreliable as i can be.
why take a chance, take a chance on me?

as i rant and i rant,
stress radiating from my soul.
pathetic and hopeless...
all i seem to be anymore.

am i a good person?
have i always been? or not?
whats so great about me?
cause right now im not seeing
any characteristic ID want.

as my heart feels heavy...
my sanity running thin.
i thank the lord so much,
for the support i get from you.

where am i?
where have i gone?
i used to believe in myself,
known when i was wrong.
i used to know what i wanted,
knew what was right.
but i sit here...

how much longer can i deal with this fight?

currently. im enjoying.
the clickity clack of the laptop's keys.
music, in reality... unlocking details of my subconcious dreams.
as i sit here... pouring out my soul. its easing...
the writing as it comes to me.
i may not feel my best.
i may have lost hope in many ways.
but the familiar format of blogger...
reminds me of why writing,
has filled up a thousand dreams.

i sit here. eyes filling up.
wishing that i could explain.
these fears inside of me.
the stress, pain, difficulty... i have with my life today.
i dont understand, how i could ever feel such pain.
ive lost something, that was always near my heart.
hope, love, courage...

i sit here exhuasted...
as i lose who ive always been.
that girl... who was always smiling in the end.

why smile?
i ask this almost every day. as my head beats hard,
a temple pulsing in my brain. as my eyes still tear
with each hardship that i face. the stress, pain, exhaustion
that keeps me up so late at night. as i rant, scream, CRY!
in anguish or in fear. as i sniffle each sniffle, and hold back each tear.
as i live a life, in rants, through fears.
as i give up on some hopes, hope for some plans.
all i want to know is,
why should i smile?