substance.... heart and soul.
why must it be conveyed through pain?
why can't you smile, and you see true beauty?
why is it that pain measures true love?

i cant stand this depression in my soul.
as i breathe each breath,
i want to live this life,
i just cant stand...
the pain.

i wish life were how it used to be!
when i was happy, smiling!
...when i saw a reason to grin.

life has its slums, that much i know.
when will this change,
when will i grin for real?

i want to cry a thousand tears,
as i sit here anxious, tired and scared.
its like the world has me surrounded,
hands up, i feel defeated.

i want to scream, to yell and plea,
make people understand that this is me.
but no one seems to notice,
the loss of a true smile on my face,
as my teeth grin, without substance beneath.

i say i dont like life...
people say thats normal.
im stressed and im tired,
that much i know.

but i USED to be happy,
that is what kills me.
to never experience happiness is sad,
but to experience happiness so often,
and to lose it all.

that is what im calling depressing.

i know

as each word leaves my mouth,
through each beat of my heart,
that i am

scared

of losing everything.
myself, my spirit, friends.
because i must seem

happy

to everyone...
that smile on my face
its just that

now

i can't deny
that smiles seem more forced...
because i'm just so scared of

being

judged.

friends?

i sometimes wonder,
why are we still friends?
i am supportive, and helpful,
always have had your best interest at hand.

here i am though, through turmoil,
confusion, sometimes despair.
i really needed that help,
and guess what? you left me there...

why wont you help me?
when i outrightly ask?
you say we're such good friends,
yet you stab me in the back.

i adore you, i do,
but why should i stay?
while you hurt me,
stop me, from fulfilling a life ive dreamed.

tears stream down...
as any control leaves.
pain radiates as defeat is met.
few friends are found in the crowds of enemies, masked.
hugs no longer mean love, but pity.
why must their happiness be met, through my tears?
no longer do i want to be here...
misunderstood are we, the crowd.
as deciept is whispered town to town.

as deciept is whispered... town to town...
misunderstood are we. the crowd.
no longer do i want to be here.
why must their happiness, be met through my tears?
hugs no longer mean love, but pity...
few friends are found. in the crowds of enemies masked...
pain radiates as defeat is met.
as any control leaves,
tears stream down.

the beat that goes

boom...
boom...
boom...

keeps my head a rockin'.
and it keeps me a swayin'.

because that boom.. boom.. boom.. is what i know to be life.

as the beat is kept. as the sound is heard. as i feel each vibration of the drum.

i can feel the beat of my soul... a thumpin'.
and i can feel life, all around.

for the boom...
boom...
boom...

keeps track of life.
for the boom..
boom..
boom..

keeps in time with the heart.

do you see this veil drawn to my eyes?
showing a smile

delighted...

that mask a disguise.

no longer do i twinkle in the eye.

disjointed are the two...

my smile will show what i will allow.

but my eyes lead deep into my soul

never has love been his one goal.
for he was a practical man.
he lived a hopeless life. from the view of lovers,
loving or being loved in return. for love is man's one oxygen,
that pumps from ear to toe. the feelings are never too subtle,
but showing in grin and soul. he had never loved before. not the deep penetrating love,
that many are always on search for, though less are blessed to find.

but this man lead a life of satisification. i only fear,
that ill live my life... without such lover's pain.

did you know,
what i feel when i look around me.
did you know,
that you dont TRULY KNOW ME.
did you know,
that this facade seems so happy.
but that mask makes me weary.
because right now,

i dont know what to say.
i sit here waiting, waiting for some answer.
but as i sit here waiting,
i know that my wait is neverending.
as i hope, and wish and DREAM and shout.
i truly wish. for someone to understand.

have you ever.
truly said.
that you've known me OH so well.
because that mask im always wearing.
its now torn.

1...2...3...50...
i count and i count... naming a hundred friends.
but as i sit there. really. who will be there till the very end?
who is my friend, cause its convenient or nice?
what attributes do i bring...
what's the point of this?

why should you want to be my friend?
as frowns frequent my face... more than some glowing grin.
as irresponsible and unreliable as i can be.
why take a chance, take a chance on me?

as i rant and i rant,
stress radiating from my soul.
pathetic and hopeless...
all i seem to be anymore.

am i a good person?
have i always been? or not?
whats so great about me?
cause right now im not seeing
any characteristic ID want.

as my heart feels heavy...
my sanity running thin.
i thank the lord so much,
for the support i get from you.

where am i?
where have i gone?
i used to believe in myself,
known when i was wrong.
i used to know what i wanted,
knew what was right.
but i sit here...

how much longer can i deal with this fight?

currently. im enjoying.
the clickity clack of the laptop's keys.
music, in reality... unlocking details of my subconcious dreams.
as i sit here... pouring out my soul. its easing...
the writing as it comes to me.
i may not feel my best.
i may have lost hope in many ways.
but the familiar format of blogger...
reminds me of why writing,
has filled up a thousand dreams.

i sit here. eyes filling up.
wishing that i could explain.
these fears inside of me.
the stress, pain, difficulty... i have with my life today.
i dont understand, how i could ever feel such pain.
ive lost something, that was always near my heart.
hope, love, courage...

i sit here exhuasted...
as i lose who ive always been.
that girl... who was always smiling in the end.

why smile?
i ask this almost every day. as my head beats hard,
a temple pulsing in my brain. as my eyes still tear
with each hardship that i face. the stress, pain, exhaustion
that keeps me up so late at night. as i rant, scream, CRY!
in anguish or in fear. as i sniffle each sniffle, and hold back each tear.
as i live a life, in rants, through fears.
as i give up on some hopes, hope for some plans.
all i want to know is,
why should i smile?

untitled

sometimes I wonder, why did it end?
you and me, such good friends.
yes we didn't meet with each other at every chance,
but we could talk, we were friends...

then two years ago,
I think you changed. you became peppy,
a liar, and so many worse things.
I feel like I am delusional, how ill see it in you every day...
but people agree with me, just never to your face.

you told some people,
that you were sure that I hate you.
that’s not true, never will be.
but you should no,
that...

I hate how you lie,
you drink and deceive...
how you find your life so tough,
yet you used to be so sweet.

you used to be kind,
caring about your family and friends,
but you lie, you don’t care,
and only your OLD friends know that.

untitled

eyes clenched shut

tears flow down my cheeks

rivers, streams, in their own respects.

i open my eyes,

finding such glee,

them laughing,

me laughing,

just that bliss.

but looking,

in retrospect,

he.

was.

not.

joining in.

and I'm sorry for this.

it's obvious,

that there is a lot of pain.

that the silence,

the echo in the room.

the shifting of the eyes

and his hand clenched on the mouse.

clicking...

his one control.

him,

and not me

not friends, not enemies.

But they.

are friends.

if jeopardized

im sorry. i am.

i dont know...

I want to laugh...

I want to scream!

That feeling inside me...

Like I'm bursting at the seams!

Imploding, and choking...

hoping and wishing...

stopping.

and sitting.

and breathing.

and then...

realization.

the feelings, the stress.

i am alive.

but im proud of this.

you

did you know?

that sometimes i'll think about you,

the way you talk,

that sense of humor,

but also,

how you care about so much.

except...

im not the person that'll wait on your calls...

i get pissed if you forget,

but i'll forget too.

i sometimes just think that we can be the best of friends,

it'll be great, i'll be happy...

but then i remember this.

i remember that feeling in my stomach,

where i know i never want to be anywhere else...

that knowledge that for once...

my head is a gooey mess.

i remember the fact...

that i love you as such a good friend,

but when i see you... every once and a while...

i wish that you knew what i meant.

untitled

its weird...

when i mention this. i freeze.

i want to say don't laugh. i'll cry.

don't mention it, don't worry.

but i know. i want to hear this...

i want to know what people think,

i want verification, some safety net...

but that can't just happen.

i want to hear, "this imagery is perfect!"

or "that flows just right...."

but critique is life.

if i learn. i grow.

so i just have to keep telling people,

that this is me.